Thursday, April 06, 2006

Silence is not Forgetting.

The last month has been a tiresome one. It has been four weeks now since my last word from God; I feel out of place and terribly lonely. I am used to quite a bit of conversation with HS (Holy Spirit) on a daily basis, His voice always clear and constant.

     When I first noticed the eerie silence, I felt I must have done something wrong, some sin somewhere had hidden His voice. But after heart searching and praying, I realized it was not on account of error, but simply silence for silence sake. Within a few days my nerves were shot, I felt like someone had died, His presence was there, but not His voice. During this time Ben left for a week’s mountain flying course in Nevada. Now I was really alone. I kept up in my quiet time and still sat silently, waiting for some word, any word, to be spoken to my heart, telling HS this new quietness is ok with me, but that I would really like to hear from Him.

     One evening, while driving to dinner at a friend’s house, my Dad called and told me my Grandfather was not doing well and was very ill. I pulled to the side of the road, unable to drive I began sweating and was sick. Later that evening, as I lay on my friend’s bed I asked HS to speak to me, after more than an hour, there was nothing, no spoken word, only silence.      

     Last Sunday evening, during small group I shared how dejected I felt. After, as I was checking my e-mail, I came across a message from a West African friend whom I have not heard from in many months. His opening line was, “Silence is not forgetting.” Those four words have made all the difference, I wrote them with huge letters on the white board above our computer desk and find myself reflecting on them throughout the day. I realize now that it is not my right to hear HS speak to me and the fact that I have for such a long time is a blessing and a gift. My heart is right and there is no guilt or condemnation for me, after all, none of this life is really about me and what I want anyways.  




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